


Three Ambassadors Walk Into a Bar ...

by KMDWriterGrl



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Fluff, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-01
Updated: 2015-01-01
Packaged: 2018-03-04 19:19:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3084959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KMDWriterGrl/pseuds/KMDWriterGrl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The White House is on the verge of an international incident ... and CJ finds Toby dealing with it by eating peanut butter.  An answer to the prompt: "International incident. Finland. Peanut butter."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Three Ambassadors Walk Into a Bar ...

**Author's Note:**

  * For [apollinav](https://archiveofourown.org/users/apollinav/gifts).



> -This is a new style for me...comedic. I've never tried playing for humor before but I got this prompt from a friend and it lent itself really well to sardonic humor and some silliness. 
> 
> -Disclaimer: They're not mine; I'm just borrowing them. Praise to the overlord, Aaron Sorkin! ;)

“Toby, I need you to clarify–“ CJ stopped abruptly at the communication director's office door, still clutching a huge briefing booklet. “–Why are you eating peanut butter out of the jar?”

 

“We’re on the verge of an international incident with Finland and you need me to clarify why I’m eating peanut butter out of the jar? Your job must be less strenuous than I thought.”

 

CJ shot Toby a withering glance. “No, I need you to clarify the part where we’re having an international incident with _Finland_. The peanut butter we’ll come to in a minute.”

 

Toby spun his chair to face CJ, still clutching the jar of peanut butter and the spoon he was using to scoop the glutinous stuff. “It’s kind of like having an international incident with Switzerland. It shouldn’t be plausible and yet there it is.” He gestured toward the sofa. “Have a seat.”

 

CJ hovered uncertainly. “I’m still waiting for the clarification part, Toby.”

 

“Ask and you shall receive. In the mean time, sit.” He held the jar out to her. “Want some?”

 

“The way you’re eating it? No.”

 

“What’s wrong with the way I’m eating it?”

 

“Do you know how many grams of trans-fat are in a tablespoon of that stuff? And here you are eating it by the spatula full! Besides, peanut butter should be eaten one of two ways– with jelly or with chocolate, and you have neither.”

 

Toby swallowed thickly and slugged back a quarter of a bottle of water as a chaser. “Go look in Donna’s desk.”

 

“What?”

 

“Donna’s desk. Top right hand drawer.”

 

CJ shot him an odd look. “Toby, you’re really starting to scare me.”

 

“Top right hand drawer.”

 

“Ooo ... kay.” CJ headed for Donna’s desk. “There’s got to be a dozen Hershey bars in here,” she called a moment later.

 

“She’s not going to miss one. Take it and get back in here.”

 

CJ reappeared. “And you know what Donna keeps in her desk because ...”

 

“I have a really good secretary.” Toby held out the jar again. “Feast with me.”

 

CJ sighed. “Why not? I see we’re getting nowhere fast.” She unwrapped the chocolate and dunked it into the peanut butter. “Okay. Let’s work backward. Why are you sitting here eating peanut butter out of the jar when Finland has suddenly decided that it hates our guts?”

 

“Finland does not hate our guts. It wouldn’t actually matter terribly much if Finland _did_ decide to hate our guts because the worst thing they could do to us would be a trade embargo and, quite frankly, there are other countries who are willing to provide us with what Finland provides us.”

 

“And what, exactly, DOES Finland provide us?”

 

“Cruise ships.”

 

CJ swallowed a mouthful of chocolate and peanut butter. “Wait, hold on. Cruise ships?”

 

“Royal Caribbean, Carnival– the ships are made in Finnish shipyards.”

 

“Uh ... huh. So, if we get into some kind of pissing contest with Finland, we’re likely to lose some high-end cruise ships.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“So, I repeat, what did we do to tick off Finland to make them with-hold said cruise ships, and why are you dealing with it by eating peanut butter out of the jar?”

 

“Cause my dealer’s all ready left for the day.”

 

CJ dropped her head in her hands and moaned. “Toby!”

 

“Mrs. Landingham said I was looking a little peaked. She said I needed to eat some protein. I said I didn’t have any right at the moment, and she handed me the jar of peanut butter.”

 

“I think she probably meant for you to put some on bread or crackers, not clog your arteries by inhaling it with a spoon.”

 

“I had had exactly one spoonful when you arrived at my door. And now I’m going to put it away because I’ve had my protein.”

 

CJ watched him put the lid on the jar. She broke the chocolate bar in half and slid the rest to him. “There. That’ll take care of your blood sugar while we’re at it. Now … Finland. Please tell me what we did to piss off Finland.”

 

“The White House didn’t do anything. One of our ambassadors did.

“Oh, what the hell …”

 

“Wait, wait … I’m not at the good part yet. You have to set it up like a joke because it sounds like a horrible one. So … the Finnish ambassador … the U.S. ambassador … and the British ambassador …”

 

“Oh, GOD, Lord John!” CJ rubbed the bridge of her nose. “Please tell me he’s not the reason Finland is pissed off at us.”

 

“All three ambassadors walk into a bar … because this is a story that literally takes place in a bar …” Toby trailed off and started laughing. “I can’t even begin to tell you how ridiculous this is.”

 

“Is this something I’m going to be able to report with a straight face?”

 

“Probably not.”

 

“Dear god.” CJ giggled. “All right, c’mon, finish the joke. The Finnish, British, and U.S. ambassadors walk into a bar …”

 

“And, after drinking rather more than is wise for anyone but particularly more than is wise for Lord John Marbury who simply doesn’t know the meaning of the word ‘moderation’, remarks are made about the very attractive woman sitting at one of the tables nearby. Remarks which are better left unsaid in the presence of a lady--” Toby nodded in her direction.

 

“Remarks which you KNOW you’re going to have to share at some point because I need to know how to spin them.”

 

“Remarks which I will either write down for you or will have to be said when I am very drunk because I absolutely will not say them while I am sober,” Toby said, raising an eyebrow. “At any rate, remarks were made.”

 

“And I’m guessing the lady about whom the remarks were made was, oh, let’s see, the sister of the Finnish ambassador?”

 

“No, the fiancée of the Finnish ambassador.”

 

CJ whistled. “Ouch. We’re not getting ANY cruise ships for Christmas, are we?”

 

“If it makes you feel any better, neither is Britain.”

 

“Please tell me it stopped at the remarks.”

 

Toby snorted. “It did NOT.”

 

CJ rolled her eyes. “Of course it didn’t. We’re not that lucky. So, then … were there fisticuffs?”

 

Toby laughed aloud. “I’m sorry, fisticuffs? Did you drop out of the pages of a Western just now?”

 

“Fisticuffs,” she repeated, smirking. “Or, perhaps, because it was Lord John, was there a challenge to a duel?”

 

“You’re not wrong on that, unfortunately.”

 

“Oh my god!” CJ broke into howling laughter. “He didn’t! Lord John did NOT challenge the Finnish ambassador to a duel!”

 

“I understand that by the time all was said and done he’d challenged pretty much everyone in the room to a duel.” He broke off a piece of the chocolate bar CJ had passed him and popped it in his mouth. “For the honor of the Empire and all.”

 

“Oh, of course.”

 

The U.S. Ambassador had to break up the ensuing … fisticuffs.” He grinned at CJ. “But not before earning himself a broken nose for his own set of remarks about the lady in question. And that, boys and girls, is why I’m drafting a set of apologies to, among other people, the president of Finland, the owner of the bar, the lady in question, and the Finnish ambassador.”

 

CJ snickered and rose. “You know that NO ONE in the press corps is going to believe this, right?” She extended her hand. “Give me the peanut butter Boo-Boo. No more protein till you get those apologies written.”

 

Toby rolled his eyes and plunked the jar into her hand. “You get off on this kind of thing, don’t you?”

 

“Yeah, actually, I do. I get this nice warm glow when I get to watch you roll your eyes and mutter under your breath as you clean up after other people’s stupidity.”

 

“You know, I have those choice remarks right here. Lean a little closer and I’ll whisper them in your ear.”

 

CJ laughed. “I’ll have my own set of remarks in return, mi compadre.”

 

“Let me know when you’re ready to bring it up at the briefing. We’ll phrase it in a way that doesn’t make it sound so much like a …” He stopped, searching for a word.

 

“Really bad joke?” CJ supplied, raising an eyebrow.

 

“That about sums it up.” He stood up to stretch and walked her to the door. “Go on … I have to prevent an international incident with Finland.”

 

He closed the door on CJ’s laughter.

 

END


End file.
